Before we can even begin to tackle the insidious realm of bicycles, one thing has to be established right off the bat:
Bicycles are fucking toys.
And this can be proven through a simple logical syllogism:
1. If every child aged 7-12 in the world wants one as a present for their Birthday/Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Bastille Day/Hindu Christmas, then it is a toy.
2. Every child aged 7-12 in the world wants a bicycle as a present for their Birthday/Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Bastille Day/Hindu Christmas.
3. Bicycles are fucking toys. 1,2 MP
Hey look! It's Logic! Bicycles are fucking toys and to say otherwise would call into question the core of logic, the foundation of all math, science, argumentation, America, Jesus, and Life. Now that's been established that bicycles are toys, like skateboards, scooters, Barbies, Stretch Armstrongs, and Dildos, we can begin to examine the fundamental injustice and insanity that encompass bicycles on public roads.
Many roads have their own bicycle lanes on them, which by itself is exceedingly troublesome, as there are no other toy-themed lanes on public roads. However, even when there are no marked bicycle lanes, bicycles are still allowed full access to the road that cars, trucks, and motorcycles must share. No other toy shares this privilege. You aren't allowed to ride in the streets on your skateboard or scooter. You can't fashion a roller sled out of Malibu Barbie Convertibles and dual-action stainless steel vibrators complete with bipod and reflex sight and start sliding down the streets of San Fransisco. The police will stop you, take you aside, and say "Excuse me sir, but what the Fuck?"
And remember, while these bicycles enjoy the privilege of sharing the same road as automated motor vehicles, they slow the flow of traffic to a nose-bleedingly infuriatingly slow crawl. Why you ask? Because bicycles lack the ability to match the speed of other vehicles designated for this road. They're doing at best 15 in a 40. Because anything faster would trigger a cascade reaction causing the bicyclist, his toy, and everything within a 40 meter radius to sublimate into magic blue smoke. Its Pascal's 4th Law of Thermodynamijiggery. And all of this is completely acceptable. The bicycle can't go any faster. Traffic has to wait.
However, were I to get a car, open the hood, replace my carburetor with an EZ Bake Oven, fill all my cylinders with a mixture of peanut butter, silly putty, and shame (3 parts, 1 part, 2 parts respectively), square my wheels, and decide that transmissions aren't "in vogue" this season and decide to go without, thereby effectively making and automobile capable of only going 15 miles an hour and take it on to the same public road that the bicycle was just on, this would be completely unacceptable. The police will stop you, take you aside, and say "Excuse me sir, but what the Fuck?"
But how can this madness be? Both are equally hazardous and detrimental to the flow of traffic. Why then is the automobile unfitting but the toy germane? The answer is quite simple:
Bicyclists have Zero Responsibility.
Next time you're driving around, just watch the bullshit bicyclists do. You come to a fourway stop and want to make a right. The car in the lane opposite you turns left onto the street. Then the car on your left goes straight. Finally it's your turn and just as you're spinning your wheel, some douschenozzle bicyclist comes riding up behind you and blows through the intersection. You slam on your brakes and the bicyclist doesn't even look back. Why does this happen? Because Bicyclists have Zero Responsibility.
You're at a stop light and its late. There are no other cars around. Hell you're probably the only person in miles who's even within ten feet of an automobile. You want to just go through the light. No one will notice. But you don't. Why? Because you have a Responsibility. And while you're waiting there a bicyclist fucknugget comes up from behind and blasts right through that red light. He doesn't even look both ways. He just fucking goes. Why does this happen? Because Bicyclists have Zero Responsibility. If you did something like that in your car and had a friend with you, he'd freak out, because you just violated the order of things, the social contract. He'd stop you, take you aside, and say "Excuse me sir, but what the Fuck?"
Really, there's nothing that can exclude you from public road privileges on a bicycle. You can be deaf, blind, mute, retarded, infirmed, elderly, adolescent, legless, armless, headless, illiterate, incapable of discerning visual from olfactory stimuli, from a region of space only capable of experiencing the second, fourth, and nineteenth dimensions of space-time, made out of jam. You can have absolutely no knowledge of the rules of the road, the flow of traffic, or what signs mean. Hell, you can lack the basic knowledge of operational physics that would tell you that two objects cannot cohabitate the same point in space. You can be all of these things at the same time (through some weird ... quantum event where you go back in time and have sex with your own grandmother, then come forward and bear witness to the hideous fusion) and still be 100% qualified to operate a bicycle on any public city, county, state, or federal road. Going 15 in a 40. Ignoring traffic lights.
Meanwhile, I, a car driving, decent human being must attend traffic school, study traffic law, go to the DMV, wade through unending tempestuous sea of bureaucracy and black women who aren't putting up with my sass, apply for a probationary permit, take driving lessons from smelly Russian man who I think is in the mob because the whole time I was driving to various people's houses and dropping off unmarked packages and listening to him describe in explicit detail how he wants to kill the cat at that last house we were at, learn the mechanics of driving with a state-licensed driver for six months, return to the DMV, wade through another unending tempestuous sea of bureaucracy and black women who aren't putting up with my sass, take a driving examination with a man who is equally unimpressed with my witty repartee, get a crappy computer printout as a "temporary driver's license," wait a month, until finally I get a California C-Class Driver's License. So I can finally get out on the road ... and go 15 in a 40 stuck behind some fartknocker on a bicycle who ignores traffic lights.
It seems only reasonable that those who endure more trial and assume more responsibility ought be granted more privilege. But these bicyclists are allowed to be on the same road as those who endured the nine rings of hell that is a government bureaucracy, wasting everybody's time with their slow toy. And when we consider the established mathematical formula of T=M, where T is Time and M is Money, when they steal your time, by the transitive property, they are stealing your money. They are thieves. They are Dirty, Rotten, Self-Righteous, Toy-Riding Thieves.
And furthermore, Spandex? Really?
So the next time you see some jizzmop on a pastel colored one speed coming up from behind, remember: Open you passenger door on them. Your door will take minor damage, but, with any luck, the bicyclist will suffer massive brain damage, because fuck if they ever wear a helmet.
Save the Economy, Vehicular Manslaughter a Bicyclist.
